Love - lost or found?
by lightningbolt18
Summary: A little emotional incident that happened between Hermione and Malfoy one day in Hogwarts - (just a short piece of late night writing - inspired by some sad, beautiful emotional music)


What do you want, mudblood?"

He was sneering again, his gaze full of contempt as he looked at me as if I were filthier than the dirt under his feet.

"I want you to give it back, Malfoy." I demanded, not caring how he looked at me, as long as he returned what he took.

"Give what back?" His smirk became more pronounced as he drew it out from his pocket, dangling it in front of my eyes "This?"

"This filthy piece of muggle jewellery?"

"Give it back, you piece of scum." I growled, lunging forward to snatch it away from him, but he was too quick. His hands had immediately went behind his back and when I launched myself at him and tried to wrestle it out of his fingers in desperation, he gasped, "Get off me you filthy mudblood-"

His hand went above his head and let go - the golden chain flew out through his fingers, sailing across the air and plunging into the waters of the Lake.

My heart plummeted down to my stomach.

No, no, no.

That was the only memento I had from her, and now it was gone.

"You - you-" I was so angry that I couldn't speak. Without another word, I went towards the Lake, stood by it and waved my wand. "Accio necklace."

Nothing came out of the lake - the waters were as still as the sky.

"Accio necklace! Accio grandmother's necklace! Accio grandma Beth's necklace!" I tried until I couldn't think of any way to summon for it, but still, nothing came through.

I can't lose it, I thought, and with new resolve, I cast a bubble-head charm and prepared to dive into the dark waters.

A hand shot out from nowhere and grabbed my arm before I could jump in.

"What the hell are you trying to do?" An angry voice sounded beside my ear and I turned to face Malfoy, whose presence I had forgotten at the acute anxiety of losing my most precious memento.

"Let go of me you piece of shit." I hissed at him.

"You're not thinking of going in there to look for it, are you?" He looked bewildered, as if he could not comprehend the reason for my desperation.

"Why do you care? You were the one who threw it in. Maybe you're just waiting for me to get myself wet to retrieve it - you like playing such games, don't you?" I spat, shaking his grip off my arm. The place where he touched me burned as if the contact had scorched my skin.

"I don't-" For the first time in my life, I saw Draco Malfoy fumbling over an explanation to me, the mudblood. He actually looked repentant, and I got even angrier, thinking that he was doling out his acting skills on me.

"Don't pretend you aren't happy to see me like this, Malfoy. Isn't that the sole purpose of your life all this while?" After I'd finished my sentence, I dove into the water, tensing as the icy waves hit my skin.

I heard another splash as I surfaced and to my uttermost surprise, Draco Malfoy was right beside me in the waters. His blond hair was soaked, his white shirt plastered to his skin and rivulets of water was running down his neck.

"I didn't know you like to swim in here, Malfoy." I covered my shock quickly and said, but he didn't reply, instead, he dove under the waters and didn't surface. I went down too. In the dark blue waters, I caught sight of his head enclosed in a bubble like mine, and he seemed to be searching for something.

Why was he doing this?

Did Draco Malfoy have a conscience after all?

I was genuinely baffled. Perhaps he wanted to find it so that he could taunt me with it again? My fingers clenched into fists at that thought. I'd beat him to it.

Minutes later, he found the necklace first - I saw him hold it within his fingers and I swam over, prepared to do anything to get it back. Then he broke through the surface of the water and I did the same.

"Give it back. Please." I said.

His eyes widened at my plea, and I cursed at myself for showing weakness in front of him. But then he did something that surprised me. He reached forward, grabbed my hand by the wrist, turned it over so that my palm was facing upwards and placed the necklace on my open hand.

I was stunned for a moment, never guessing that he would had made such a gesture. A traitorous warmth filled my chest, negating the iciness of the water I felt against my skin.

Don't - you can't trust him. This must be some dirty trick, my mind rationalised, unwilling to believe that Draco Malfoy had just done that for me.

"Are you going to keep gaping at me until the Giant Squid kicks us out of the lake, or are you going to get out of here?" Malfoy tossed those words at me with a smirk and swam to the bank. I shook my head as if to clear my thoughts, and quickly followed suit.

A quick drying spell was all I needed to fix my appearance, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Malfoy doing the same. There was an awkwardness between us now that he had just done something so out of character that it would had left a mark on our memories.

And still, I could not understand why he did it.

"Why did you help me?" I had to ask, even when I dreaded the answer that would come out from those lips, because it was bound to be cruel and shatter all my illusions.

He didn't reply for a moment, and I thought I saw regret flickering across his face.

My heart grew cold at that realisation that he never wanted to help me, maybe it was just a spur of the moment decision which he regretted making right after he had done it. I turned my face away, wanting nothing more than to walk away from this hurt.

I didn't know when it started, but I had fallen for a boy I should be despising. It was an irrational crush, one that I had tried so hard, so vehemently to deny. I didn't know which part of him attracted my attention; my gaze was unable to resist the magnetic pull to look at him whenever he was nearby. It was crazy and sad and horrible all at the same time.

"All I wanted, was for you to see me." He admitted in a low voice after a long moment of silence between us.

I stared at him; for a moment, my brain was unable to register what he had just said. It was frozen, numbed by the sensation of acute shock.

"Me?" I pointed at myself incredulously, as if he had just said that the world was about to end. He smiled sadly.

"Yes, you, Hermione Jean Granger. I didn't mean to hurt you. All those years I said those horrible things, did those spiteful stuff, they were all meant to catch your attention. I just wanted you to notice me, to see me. You never did. And even if you did, it was because you hated me. I didn't want that. I never wanted that." He continued, lowering his gaze so that he wasn't looking at me.

I did see you! I wanted to scream. How could he think that I have not noticed him? He was in my head all the time, so much that I had despised myself for it. My irrational preoccupation and obsession of him made it impossible for me to look away from him. Whenever he was in the same room, my gaze automatically went to him. Did he not see that?

"Malfoy-"

"Draco." He interrupted softly, finally looking at me, those grey eyes were so full of emotion that I could not look away.

"Draco." I whispered back, leaning forward, unable to resist the pull to get closer to him. He smelled like grass and wind.

"Hermione." My name sounded like a benediction on his lips. And then he kissed me.

It was so soft, sweet and uncertain that I wanted to cry. Why would I shed tears when I had finally gotten what I had been yearning for for so long? I knew it didn't make sense - after all, this was a dream coming true. Draco Malfoy was kissing me, so sincerely and gently that I feared my heart would break if he stopped. But tears were filling my eyes and trickling down my cheeks like tiny raindrops, and he noticed.

His lips went still against mine immediately, and my mind almost screamed aloud, 'don't stop!'

"Am I hurting you?" He whispered against my lips; he sounded confused.

"No, no. No. I was just... I'm sorry. I'm just... overwhelmed."

Thankfully, he did not pull away at my words. If it were possible, he grew stiller.

"I am, too." He confessed quietly, and proceeded to move his lips to my cheeks to kiss away my tears.

Why hadn't we done anything like this before? That was the only thought on my mind before his lips descended on mine again, and then he kissed me senseless, making all my rational thoughts scatter. It was impossible to express how I felt at that moment. It was as if every single nerve of mine was anticipating his warmth, the touch of his soft lips on my skin and mouth, and all the places he was touching were so sensitised that it was almost painful. I had never felt so alive.

A few minutes later, we were both panting as he drew away, pulling me down to lie on the grass beside him. Our fingers twined together, the action was so natural, and our hands fit together like matching puzzle pieces.

We were both quiet, knowing that we need not fill the silence between us. Words were unnecessary. All we needed was to hear each other's heartbeats.

After what that felt like a decade later, Draco finally spoke up.

"I'm sorry, Hermione."

I turned my head slightly so that I could see his face. His profile was rigid, and his eyes were gazing at the blue sky sadly.

"Why?"

"I can't be the person you want me to be. I'm still a death eater's child, and one day I'd have to join them and do all the things you hate." He said quietly in a resigned tone.

I hated to see him like this, like he had given up on the world because it had offered him nothing.

"And I'll be on the opposing side of the war." I sighed. I knew that he knew, but saying it aloud made it more final. I felt as if I was pointing it out more to myself than to him, as if I was trying to convince myself that I was doing the right thing.

"I know." He said sorrowfully.

"What happens if we meet each other again as enemies?" I wondered aloud, knowing that that was the thought that plagued the both of us right now.

Will I be able to do the right thing then? Will I be able to hurt him? I cringed at that thought - my heart pounded furiously in denial. No, no, no. I can't do that. I won't hurt him.

As if our minds were paralleled, he said the same thing, "I'd never hurt you, Hermione. Not even when we're face-to-face on the battlefield. I'd rather die."

"Don't say that!" I exclaimed, not even wanting to consider the idea. The thought that it could happen sent a bolt of pain through my chest.

"It's true. I'm worthless." He insisted, and I sat up.

"Don't you ever say that!" I told him, and he sat up too, his eyes widening in surprise at the vehemence in my tone.

"Don't be angry, Hermione." He pleaded as I looked away with angry tears filling my eyes.

"How can you say that? You're not worthless. You're the person I love." I blurted out and soon realised my mistake. He grew silent at my words, and my heart was filled with dread. What if he did not feel as strongly towards me as I did towards him? What if I had mistaken the extent of his feelings?

And then what he did next erased all my doubts. He had grabbed me by the shoulders all of a sudden and twisted me around so that I could face him. His eyes were glittering wildly and he leaned in abruptly, capturing my lips once again. He wasn't gentle this time. His lips were plundering mine hungrily, and I could almost taste his desperation on his tongue. Suddenly I realised that I knew exactly how he felt - the way he kissed me conveyed his true feelings. He was as deeply into me as I was into him.

I was exhilarated and sad at the same time. How those two feelings manage to well within my chest simultaneously, I could not explain. Somehow those intense emotions were crashing around like waves in my chest, and it was so hard to breathe. He loved me, but loving me hurt him. I knew from the quiet desolation in his gaze that I caught sometimes when he glanced away too late. I knew from the way his tongue explored my mouth as if this were the last time he would have such a chance. I knew from the way his hands gripped my shoulders tightly as if they would be forced to let go in a moment. I just knew, that he didn't want to love me. It was painful, but I understood why. Because it was just the same way I felt when I first realised that I was falling for him. I didn't want it. It was an unwanted emotion, and I hated it so much that I buried it deep within me, unwilling to let it surface, because the slightest touch, the gentlest grazing on it, actually hurt like hell.

When he let go of my lips and slid down to kiss my neck, I whispered, "Draco. Don't."

He stopped, and drew away from me, lifting his head to meet my gaze.

"Just don't." I told him, and he nodded, even though he looked slightly disoriented.

"I'm sorry." He said, and I shook my head, trying in vain to smile at him.

"Don't apologise. It wasn't because of that. It's because... I want this to stop." I said, and he froze.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing will come of this, Draco. We should stop." I repeated.

"Stop?" He let out a low, self-deprecating, almost derisive laugh, and I flinched at the desolation in his voice.

"If you can tell me how to, I will." He gazed at me, his grey eyes shining with an emotion I could not identify. Suddenly, I was afraid of him, and the depth of the feelings he felt for me.

"You know I can't do that, Draco, because I don't know how."

"Then don't tell me to stop!" He shouted, desperation filling his tone and I shied away from him immediately, shocked by his outburst.

"Draco..."

"You don't know how I feel. How could you say you love me if you can stop those feelings?" He demanded, and I was stunned.

"I do love you." I protested weakly, and he looked angry.

"You're lying. I know you don't want any of this, and I don't either. But I can't help myself! You're like a virus, corrupting me from the inside, taking over my mind - I just can't stop thinking of you! You were everywhere, invading my space, my peace of mind and my life! I wanted out - you think I didn't? I tried everything! Drugs, alcohol... You name it. For a moment I even felt like obliviating myself so that I could forget! But then I saw you strolling on the castle grounds, laughing with someone else, and I knew I couldn't do it, because those feelings didn't come from memories, they came from here -" He stabbed an index finger at his chest viciously, "-here. You don't know how badly I wanted it to stop, but all it took was one look at you, no matter you were wearing what kind of expression at that moment - your bossy look or your smile - it doesn't matter- and my heart will be so filled with those feelings, like it was a balloon, and you were the air in it. The more I fill it up with you, the more it felt as if it could burst any time with a slight prick, fragile and paper-thin. I felt like I could burst inside when you glanced at me, even though your gazes were always filled with contempt - I didn't care. I just - I just wanted- I-" He stopped, choking on a dry sob, and I felt my heart constrict painfully in my chest at his impassioned outburst.

"I felt the same way too, Draco. But what are we going to do? I can't fight a war with these feelings for you within me... It will ruin me- and you!" I said, and he gazed at me fiercely.

"I don't care - I would ruin everything in the world to be with you."

It wasn't the most romantic thing to say, but my heart stopped its beating at those words.

I knew he was sincere, because every single word echoed the thoughts I had, every single emotion he expressed was resonating within my very soul. He wanted me - it didn't matter whether he chose this or not - but it was still me that he wanted.

"I don't know what will happen. But I'm willing to try." I told him, and I was rewarded with a passionate kiss for my reply.

I was out of breath when he finally let me up for air; triumph was glinting in his eyes, and very quickly it faded away into a gentler happiness when I leaned my forehead against his. We were so close that I could count the lashes above his grey eyes.

"I want this to work. I want you, and everything we could have. I want to try and live - and I want it to be with you." He whispered, his every word brushing against my lips like a soft caress. I could die of happiness at that moment. I closed my eyes, and smiled in assent. He was right. It didn't matter how long it would last - the only thing that mattered was that it had happened, and we would have no regrets later in life.

"Yes," I whispered back to him, knowing that he was smiling like me too.

**Harry Potter belongs solely to JK Rowling.**

**This is a short piece inspired by a beautiful song (Love Lost - Mattia cupelli), written late at night accompanied by coffee. I thought - what if Draco and Hermione wanted to be together but couldn't somehow? That kind of love could really hurt. I had to pen down my emotions somehow, so this piece of writing was born.**


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